Crying jag yesterday. Turned my coffee salty.

Little appetite till about 2pm, then started feeling better.

Why should i feel this drained? Bathroom tiles? Square feet 10.76= Square mt 1.

Tata Photon+ is doing nothing to help my temper right now, irritating. Making me feel retarded. Can't write with this much irk-dom flowing through my body.

Restlessness was what my original complaint was. Now i have a really bad case of Annoyance. It's eating through scraps of patience, tolerance, peace.

Perhaps, Zombieland isn't too bad this time of year.

Surprised myself with a new anger management technique. It's a coin trick. I roll a coin over my knuckles- this helps me focus on and control my tremors and consequently, the anger behind it. I remember doing this trick in high school but didn't realize i was doing it. Thinking back, i remember that on some days, i was very calm when the bus arrived late, or full, and some days, i wanted to tear someone's hair out. It was the coin, always the coin. I understand why a coin was chosen as Two-Face's prop.

I'm starting to wonder if i shouldn't start carrying a flashcard in my pocket, something that says 'remember that today will be a mixed bag, proceed with caution'.

Messed up with a simple mastoid dressing and was roundly, if deservedly, berated for it. Preceding that was an 'excellent!' for a job well done (if i say so myself). And after a spell of wallowing, came a treat in newer advances in imaging, which soothed me to no end. Following this, i was a picture in forbearance, calm and patient in explaining to the nurse the niceties of record maintenance. And on the ride back home, remembered that he reason i went to the ipd was to drop off the very files that are secure in my bag, where they scarcely belong.

Also, i forgot my phone at home, but took several frivolous tools to work. Was asked to be more organized by mum. I see her point. Starting to get rather absent minded. But i must admit that it is a vacation from zombiehood and rageville, and is very picturesque. I'll rest here briefly and then move on, onwards.

The trying part of today was biting my tongue. Trying not to rip off her head. Bovine, low-cunning cousin.

The stress of not yelling at her pushed me into a shouting match with an arrogant bastard down the road. After insulting his grandmother, and her private parts from which his mother sprung, i ended my tirade with a 'go to hell, you stupid good-for-nothing' in Kannada. Kannadam gelge, kannadam balge.

I need better outlet for all this rage. Something that prevents reprimands from mum, or atleast shields her sensibilities from my true nature.

Tired, keyed-up. Relieved in part that the manipulative behemoth is gone for now. I would have thought it impossible for me to forbear her presence another day. I'd say something unkind, but accurate, and that wouldn't pierce through her sodden intellect, save the little required to convey it to her parents, who would be very hurt. And that would hurt mum. Which would aggravate my condition. And so on. Vicious circle. Upsetting. Something i could do without. So i bit my tongue, even when i was so enraged my head throbbed.

A difficult few days. Brother received his third expulsion warning this academic year. Sent him to recuperate witt his guitar and books but no ipod. What is to become of him?

And the rudeness of mum's cousin is galling. More so because i've to bite my tongue when i'm around her to avoid offending her father and my mother's hospitality.

To round things off nicely, i've been accused of niceness and overt sincerity. Asked to keep my thoughts to myself. This is the one place they can't stop me from venting my spleen.

Mixed sort of day. Jittery for the most part, like i had caffeine running through my veins. Not too far from the truth as i did have 2 espressos today. Caught a diagnosis which might have gone unnoticed otherwise. Goofed up and made a patient an extra bill; got told off, which did no wonders to my mood. Busy hands means my mind is to busy to do a Marvin on me. Trying to keep busy is tough.

Until i've had my share of contentment, i'll have to keep on keeping on.

Good couple of days. Calmer. I haven't felt any worse than i do on most days. I didn't have to fake fraternal love.

Felt happiness, fleeting, fleeing. Palms are sore, can barely use my right thumb. Even that doesn't seem too bad. I'm riding a weird high.

Zombie Land continues. I'm not even making an effort to be numb now. It feels like my own special skin. I did come out of it briefly a few minutes ago, provoked my the thoughtlessness of the Y chromosome. Road rage is fairly in control too. Today was better than most days.

Tired, bruised. Can't focus too well on academic material. Shoulders hurt, even as i type this.

Discovered that the thing that kept me sane in the post exam interim was knitting. Surprised! I could feel some of the despair slipping away as i slipped away the stitches. Busy hands, happy mind.

Why do i feel that everytime i write about something that makes me happy, it gets jinxed? Paranoia is deeply unattractive. I don't want it. But it may be out to get me.