Trust issues are getting nowhere. I still have a long way to go before i let someone in. Even the family i live with is out of sync with me and i, with them. I don't have the luxury of being more interesting than i am. I've no energy left. Sapped by my mind's betrayal. It doesn't shut up. Yappity, yap. Anger on one end of the rope and fear on the other, i'm being drawn and quartered.

Rage was getting the better of me. So i've started avoidance. Everytime my mind wants to hurt someone in anger, i leave- home, college, cafe. THe problem is that it makes me look and act like a zombie. Mum's beginning to notice. She sees my eyes going dead mid-sentence. Moodswings are what it looks like. In truth, its anaesthesia. When the anger is suppressed, so is every other emotion. Leaving me a little more hollow. I feel nothing and that's just fine. For now.

It's been a good 3 years since i last trusted the Blue Nowhere. Everyday is getting to be a 'let me trust one person today' day. Why not this?

What happens when i post this? It floats around as a string of 0s and 1s, stored in someone's server like so much other detritus around me. To what end? It can't be to preserve my wisdom for posterity, I can see my thoughts haven't grown more profound with age. I still love Samit Basu. There are undiscovered shallows in me. Flirty, ditzy me.

This vague, obscure blog can be my septic tank. I'll dump all my anger here (there's a lot of it to spare) and then maybe i won't have to be angry or mistrust anything. Maybe.